Remember in my first post when I said how brilliant I was for telling my therapist many years ago that I needed therapy to help me differentiate between my insecurities and my intuition? Well, here is what I was talking about.
It's 2007 and I was on the search for a husband. Jared was a sexy man; one of those people that had charm oozing out of every pore (until you got to know him of course). Unfortunately for anyone interested in Jared, he had an ex. But not just any ex. This ex was a Greek god. He was 6'5", built like a brick shit house. I don't know what that means exactly, but my friend says it all the time and it sounds strong! Anyway, he and Jared had met in their 20's and had a relationship for 15 years before Denny (the Greek God) decided he wanted to be cutting some greener grass while still mowing Jared's grass. Not wanting an open relationship, Jared decided not to compromise his morals, so they broke up. You're probably thinking, "Wow, sounds like Jared knows what he wants and isn't afraid to stick to it". You would be right, except you're not.
Although Denny moved out and found another boyfriend, both he and Jared still shared a very strong connection. You may think, "Well of course they did, they were together for 15 years". Like before, you would be right if it was only a strong connection that they shared, but it wasn't. Five years after their split, they continued to work together (they owned their business), shared the house they built on the Jersey shore, shared a car, shared meals outside of work, etc.....Essentially, the only thing that had changed since there break up was their living arrangements.
Enter me. Now, I am not a jealous person. I try to respect people's relationships and needs without trying to impose my insecurities on them. In other words, I try not to blame other people for my shit! Remember, it's 2007 and I am in therapy at this point trying to recognize the red flags that seem to keep waving in front of my face every time I go on a date. Here is a man who clearly is not available, but despite all the warnings from my friends telling me of the "ex", I think "This man wants ME! Out of everyone else in New York City, Jared wants ME!" (you may be thinking that sounds like a red flag, but we're not focusing on my red flags yet...we're focusing on Jared's red flags. YOU DON"T KNOW ME!)
Fast forward two weeks into our "relationship". Jared and I were having dinner at a romantic Italian restaurant. We had shared many passion filled nights together up to this point, and this night was to be no different. We were holding hands across the table, looking into each others eyes...actually I think I was staring at a stray hair coming out of his nose, but you get the picture. (my god, another red flag!) Anyway, we were sharing this intimate moment when Jared's phone rings. Jared answered his phone. (red flag number 1,200,198)
Now, like I said before, I am not a jealous person. I try not to jump to conclusions. Maybe his Dad was calling to say his Mom died...I don't know. I sat there, still holding his hand across the table, waiting for Jared to say one of two things; either, "I can't talk right now. I'm having dinner with the most amazing man on the planet" or, "Oh my god, Dad, I can't believe she died. I'll be there right away!" Strangely, neither sentence came out of his mouth.
Instead, I sat there, still holding his hand, realizing that this was a call from Denny, the Greek God; and not an important call, just an "I'm checking in" call. I waited for two minutes which may not sound long, but trust me, when you're listening to your date talk to an ex in that annoying "hey, how are you" voice...two minutes might as well be two decades! l started looking around wondering if I was on "Totally Hidden Video" or something. And here's the kicker...Jared ended the call with "Okay, well I hope you feel better...I love you...okay, I love you too. Okay, bye." BIG RED LES MIZ F*CKING FLAG!!!
Time to choose your own adventure! At that moment, would you...
A. Get up and leave?
or
B. Stay and ignore the call?
If you chose A., let me congratulate you. You must be very secure in yourself and understand your worth as a human being. I hate you.
For the rest of you who chose B., welcome to my world.
Here's what happened. Sometime during the call I let go of his hand. When he got off the call and reached for my hand again, I pulled away and took a sip of wine. He asked what was wrong. I answered, "That was a little weird hearing you talk to your ex while I'm sitting across from you on a date." He responded, "Well, if you can't handle that, then this probably won't work out."
Here is the argument that followed in my head...
Gut: "Get up and leave."
Insecurity: "Jason, he is hot and sexy and wants you! Don't be stupid!"
Gut: "Are you kidding...he is an idiot and a bad kisser!"
Insecurity: "But he is willing to kiss YOU!"
Gut: "But why do you want to kiss HIM?!"
Insecurity: "Listen, other people find him desirable, which means YOU'RE desirable by default!"
Gut: "But..."
Before my gut could respond, I said to Jared, "No, it's no big deal. It just felt weird." And then I held his hand.
I dated him for two more months and in those two months, there were a lot of internal arguments that my gut lost. The red flags kept waving, but I kept marching past them until one day, I just got bored and ended the affair.
There is no happy ending to this specific adventure. I didn't have some great epiphany that made me leave Jared and love myself enough to not need validation from someone else. I spent the next four years going from date to date trying to find the man that would love me enough for both of us. I never found him. What I did find is the reason I didn't love myself; a huge suitcase of insecurities created by a childhood of being bullied.
I am still unpacking that suitcase and probably will for the rest of my life, but each day the load gets lighter and each day I get closer to finding true inner peace. It is never too late to choose your own adventure.
So if you chose B. like me, I'd encourage you to ask yourself why. And if the answer is anything like mine, I hope you someday find the courage to love yourself enough to choose A. because you know what...YOU DESERVE SOMEONE WHO WON'T ANSWER THEIR PHONE AT DINNER...ESPECIALLY TO TALK TO AN EX EVEN IF THEY ARE A GREEK GOD/GODDESS!!!
Epilogue
For those of you who are interested, the best part of the night happened when we went back to Jared's apartment to get ready to go dancing. Come to find out, he was babysitting the Greek God's dog and even though I had to get ready for the evening, he asked if I would mind walking the dog before we went out. I think I was in shock at that point, so I said fine and took the dog out. I called my best friend on the phone to tell her how crazy my life was and just as I was telling her everything, the dog took the runniest shit I have ever seen. There I was, picking up the diarrhea of my boyfriend's ex's dog. It all felt like an episode of Sex and the City. The best part came when I returned to the apartment and he tried to kiss me. I was so turned off that when he went to the bathroom I texted the same friend to say, "He just kissed me and I didn't even feel anything." Five minutes later as we were getting into a cab, my friend texts back, "Uh-oh...time to get out the porn!" I giggled and put my phone away. He said, "What was that?" and I responded, "Oh, nothing. Just my friend being stupid." And he said, "Well, that's kinda rude." REALLY?!?!
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