It's my brother's birthday today. He's 43. For 11 of those 43 years he didn't speak to me because I am gay. We were never really close growing up since he is seven years older than me, but I do have some fond memories of our childhood together.
Once at a local pizza place, he told me a joke when I was about 6 that went like this, "How does a woman hold her liquor? ....By the ears." I didn't get it. Until I was 25, I kept having this image of women having some kind of chamber inside of their heads that held the liquor they drank. That's until I realized there were two ways to spell liquor. Aahh!!! I laughed.
Another fond memory is when my brother bought me a fishing pole for my sixteenth birthday. I had never been fishing and never had any desire to fish, but I recognized the effort he was trying to make. It wasn't until I was in college that he took me to a lake to show me how to fish with worms and everything. Let's just say fishing is not my thing.
The night of his wedding, I remember helping him unload his truck of the gifts he got and he stopped me, kinda drunk, and told me that he new we had never been all that close but I meant a lot to him and he appreciated me. He hugged me then. I think that was the first time we hugged. I was 15.
I think those might be the only good memories I have of my brother before he stopped talking to me. And for the next eleven years, I held out the hope that he would realize that I was not some alien freak who wanted to molest his children. I hoped he would see me as an individual and not a collection of stereotypes he had in his head. I hoped that one day he could stand to be in the same room as me so our parents wouldn't have to feel the pain of holidays with part of their family missing.
And you know what, that day did finally come, but not before I realized a few things (in therapy).
1. Being rejected by a sibling sucks and causes emotional scars.
2. Those scars can lead to relationships with guys who treat you like shit.
3. It was okay to be angry with with my brother for how he treated me.
4. All I really wanted was to have my brother back.
Today, I called my brother to wish him a happy birthday. It's been a few years since we've gotten back in touch, but listening to our conversation, you'd think it was our first time talking. We didn't talk for long, maybe two minutes, but it was two minutes that I couldn't have dreamed of 11 years ago. And the funny thing is, whenever we have one of these conversations, I always get choked up at the end as I hang up. Maybe it's because he says, "Okay, man, I'll talk to you later." To be called 'man' by my brother is indescribable. Maybe it's because I feel like a four year old kid who can't believe his cool older brother pays attention to him. Or maybe it's simply because for the first time in my life, I feel like I HAVE a brother.
It would be irresponsible for me to say that it has been an easy few years getting reaquainted. We still have things to work through and we still don't have that much in common. We still have only hugged that one time at his wedding. I'm still not a fisherman and I don't think I will ever be a woman's licker at this point. But we are family, and that seems to be enough for now.
Happy Birthday, brother.
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