Since posting about The One last week, I have been doing a lot of thinking. First thing I have to admit is this; As hard as I try to be in the moment and be modern by not labeling things, I can not seem to get rid of the idea of finding The One from my mind. I guess it is part of my collection of baggage that I may need to unpack.
The second thing I have to admit is; I can't tell the difference between the challenges in a relationship that should lead to communication and growth and those challenges that should spell the end of the relationship. That whole idea of for better or worse; what is the gauge that tells you when you are past worse? I've seen people give up too soon and I've seen people hang on too long. But even saying that makes me realize that it is all about perspective and to make judgment calls about anyone else's relationship is silly.
I have a friend who has been in a relationship for over a year with a man she adores. They are about to move in together, but after reading my post last week, she kind of freaked out. Her boyfriend, who always teases her about wanting to get married, is sure that she is The One. She has always gone along with that idea, but all of a sudden she found herself wondering if she was ready to put her head outside of the car window and exclaim it to the world (see last post for reference). What if she meets someone in a few years and finds out that she has settled? What if she moves in to this apartment and realizes that he's not The One at all?
In a panic, she asked her boyfriend these questions at 5:00 AM on Wednesday morning. He listened. She asked, How do you know? He said, I just know. She continued, But what if I meet someone else? He said, Well, I can't compete with an imaginary man. With all of her doubt, he assured her of his confidence in their relationship. It wasn't until he was driving home later that morning that he started freaking out himself. What if he makes the commitment for better or worse and gets dumped four years down the road? Was his confidence in their relationship based on the assumed confidence she had?
They had a rough couple of days. Even though she called later Wednesday afternoon to say that she had over reacted, he was now not so confident. He expressed his hurt and fears and they both decided to take it one day at a time. They talked. They listened. They didn't accuse. They didn't blame. And by the weekend, he started to feel the confidence return and she was able to reveal that even with her fears, she wanted to move forward together.
That brings me back to the question How do you know when you are past worse? In an ideal world, I guess you know when you've been able to talk through your feelings with your partner without blame or accusations and decide that the relationship is no longer working for either one or both of you. If that is the case, how can you ever believe in The One when there is always the threat of the relationship ending?
Well, as a reader commented last week, The One is more of a choice rather than a happening. There can be many One's throughout a person's life that were the right One at that time, but deciding that someone is the LAST One is a choice. That is certainly true for me. I would not be the man I am today without my experiences with two men who were the right Ones at the time.
I guess this week has brought me closer to understanding the importance of marriage vows. There are no guarantees. There is no way to compare relationships. There can only be a promise to listen to, support, and love one another. A promise to understand that what works for some will not necessarily work for you. And most importantly, a promise to let each other be authentic and grow into the person they are meant to be.
For those of you who freaked out reading last week's post, sorry. That was not my intention. But if it brought you closer to understanding the truth of your relationship as it did for my friend, then great! I myself have found a man that I can imagine choosing to be the LAST One, and if we decide one day that we are in fact on the same page with that and are ready to make that commitment to each other, I will not hesitate to scream it out the passenger side window, for better or worse.
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